


Family Guy

by dracoqueen22



Series: Seireitei Monogatari [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 16:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/676555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracoqueen22/pseuds/dracoqueen22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was all Kurosaki's fault. Yachiru had been perfectly fine before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Family Guy

**Author's Note:**

> Written before 2012 and doesn't take into account any of the manga chapters after the Butterflaizen Arc.

It was all Kurosaki's fault.

If he hadn't of gone and gotten married and had kids, then Zaraki Kenpachi would not have found in himself in this particular situation. But he had. And it had gotten certain individuals to thinking who should not have started, namely his vice-captain.

Now, here he was, tromping off to one of the orphanages in Rukongai, the citizens around him giving a wide, fearful berth. Not that he cared. Yachiru swung from his shoulder as always, excitedly kicking her feet as she imagined what was soon to come. Yumichika and Ikkaku trailed along behind him.

"Ken-chan, I want a little brother," she had said to him the other day.

And well, Kenpachi never could deny her anything. He had learned quickly that denying turned to watery eyes and pouty lips and expressions of her displeasure that resulted in destruction. The last time he received a message from Yamamoto to "please, give her what she wants" had taught him that. It took several years for the twelfth division to recover, targeted only because she could readily find it, being next door and all.

Mayuri had only survived because of a passing Ukitake Jyuushiro, who claimed he had never heard such screams in his entire life. Kurotsuchi still twitched every time he saw Yachiru wandering around by her lonesome. Her cries of glee were known to make him spontaneously explode into a puddle of quivering goo, after which he would slink off to his rebuilt division to reform.

In any case, Mayuri's spastic attacks had nothing to do with where he stood right now. Yumichika sparkled gaily at his left side. Ikkaku scowled petulantly with his sword propped up on one shoulder to Kenpachi's right. And Yachiru still hung from him, chirping merrily.

"I'm here to adopt a brat," Kenpachi rumbled.

Yes. He was at an orphanage in Rukongai.

Why?

Cause Yachiru wanted a damn brother. And apparently, dragging Renji in for occasional playtime wasn't good enough. Pay attention.

The matronly old woman who had answered the door was quivering as her eyes flitted between the four of them. Kenpachi, for his part, couldn't understand why.

He checked. Twice. Yes. He was still wearing the eyepatch. So why was the damn coward still--

Yumichika elbowed him. Hard.

"Taichou, stop glaring," his fifth-seat insisted with another pretty sparkle. "It's unbeautiful." A pause. "And you're scaring her."

Despite the fact that _no one_ told him what to do, Kenpachi conceded. Again, the threat of Yachiru's displeasure hung over his head.

He took a deep breath and tried for a pleasant smile, pulling his lips out wide. It ended up being a fang-bearing, rather ferocious grin. But hey, it was the _thought_ that counted. Right?

The woman visibly recoiled, shrinking back into a grey-haired ball of fear. "We have several available for adoption," she squeaked out, resembling Kurotsuchi before she cleared her throat. "Can you... Can you support them?"

Kenpachi was only vaguely affronted. Ikkaku looked like a ruffian, after all. It was to be expected.

"What?" he demanded with a snort, jerking a thumb towards his least tattered haori. "Does bein' a captain of the Gotei 13 not mean anything these days?"

Realization dawned. He noticed the moment understanding poured into her expression. Those wimpy eyes immediately shifted to Yachiru.

The brat waved wildly. "Hiya!" Yachiru declared. "I want a brother."

Nodding very, very slowly, the woman turned on her heels. "Okay. This way… um, sir."

Kenpachi grinned and followed, Yumichika and Ikkaku trailing behind.

His third-seat coughed into his hand. "Spoiled."

"Rargh!" Yachiru bounded from Kenpachi's shoulder to Ikkaku's and promptly chomped on his head.

The old woman did a marvelous job of pretending she didn't notice the subsequent howls of pain or the attempts of human chew-toy removal.

Yumichika sighed prettily and examined his fingernails.

"Can't take you guys nowhere," Kenpachi grunted, idly scratching his belly where a particularly itchy spot had attacked him.

The woman led them to a room where about ten kids were playing, all of various ages. Most looked up as they entered with vague interest.

"Would you like me to introduce you?" she so graciously offered, though it was clear she wasn't certain this was the _best_ idea, only saying it out of politeness.

Heh. Manners. Worthless little things.

Kenpachi shook his head, tapping Yachiru on the face where she had returned to his shoulder. "Alright, brat. Pick one."

"Yay!"

She bounced from his shoulder and into the midst of the brood, terrifying two into immediately bursting into tears and dashing behind the matronly woman. Che. Not those cowards then.

Yachiru put finger to her lips as she looked around, as if she thought she were in the middle of a candy shop. "Hmmmmmm."

Three children wet themselves, most subtly trying to crawl from her. The older ones were very obviously backing away.

But not one brat. He just smiled guilelessly at her, waving one happy fist.

Yachiru grinned and picked him up. The boy giggled, burbling out a spit bubble.

"This one, Ken-chan!" Yachiru declared. "I like this one!"

He burped.

Kenpachi grinned. Of course, she would pick the one kid in the entire orphanage who had a spark of reiatsu. Though, how she had figured that one out was beyond him. Hell, he'd barely noticed himself.

Yumichika sighed again, obviously very bored since there were no men to woo and then subsequently destroy. "And here, I thought we had escaped those terrible years." He and Ikkaku had arrived long after the potty-training, after all.

Ikkaku scratched his nose, looking side-long at the infant. Blood and saliva dribbled on his forehead.

"That brat looks strong." The bald man gave a fierce smile. "I'll bet he'll kick ass."

The woman shifted on her feet, trying to look as if she wasn't two steps away from calling security, even though she didn't have it. "Almost makes you want one of your own, ne?"

Ikkaku promptly choked, terror attacking him so quickly that it stole his breath.

Yumichika felt a tug on his hakama and promptly looked down. "Yes?" he asked, finding himself looking at a rather pretty little girl. Really, she could be his sister.

"Are you going to be my new mommy?" the child questioned, tugging on her neat and tidy dress, soft green eyes blinking up at him.

Yumichika's mouth dropped.

Kenpachi burst into laughter, sending the last two kids to wailing as Ikkaku dropped to the floor in hilarity.

Yachiru had asked the same damn thing the first time she saw Yumichika.

His fifth-seat was absolutely speechless, torn between indignation and feeling complimented.

Baby in hand, Yachiru chose that moment to bound up, offering her choice to her sort-of father. "See, Ken-chan?" she said, shoving the kid towards him. "He's strong!"

Kenpachi eyed the brat, big grey eyes and dark, dark hair giving him wayward thoughts of a certain Kuchiki captain. He warily accepted the kid into his arms, holding him up and giving him a once over. The baby promptly popped Kenpachi's nose with his fist and then giggled.

Yeah, okay. The damn thing was pretty cute.

He looked past the newest addition to his family and sniggered. "I'll take it."

"Yay!"


	2. Rules of Behavior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Zaraki-taichou, in the future, please refrain from bringing your children to the captain's meeting."

Yamamoto thought he had seen it all when it came to Zaraki Kenpachi. Showing up out of the blue one day, killing the eleventh division captain and taking his position hadn't been enough. He'd also had a kid hanging from his shoulder, bright pink hair gleaming. And then not soon after, two other people showed up to promptly become his third and fifth seats.

Not only that, Zaraki somehow managed to churn out relatively useful Shinigami. Iba-fukutaichou and Abarai-fukutaichou for example. Though Yamamoto couldn't figure that one out either.

Still, Yamamoto could have never expected this.

Kenpachi stood in the doorway of the first division, the last to arrive to the captain's meeting. That wasn't at all unusual.

There was a gurgle.

But the baby in Kenpachi's arms was.

"Zaraki-taichou..." Yamamoto cleared his throat. "Why do you have an infant?"

The man shrugged, idly shoving a finger into the boy's mouth and giving him something to chew on. "Didn't know what else to do with it," he responded. "Yumichika's busy, and Ikkaku's got the division. Ain't no way I'm leavin' 'im with Yachiru."

"Where did you get it?" Soifon demanded, hands placed on her hips as she stared at the child, who was seemingly content in a bloodthirsty killer's arms.

Yamamoto suddenly paled, having terrible visions of Zaraki stalking up to some happy couple and knocking them out with either his reiatsu or his sword. Then scooping up their infant and running away, cackling all the while.

Okay. Maybe not the cackling part. But he would be grinning. Ferally.

"From an orphanage," Kenpachi responded with another snort. "Where did ya think, dumbass?"

"They actually let you walk out with a child?" someone doubtfully commented under her breath.

"I got one, don't I?" Zaraki countered as the kid kicked him and chomped down on his finger. He swore under his breath and poked the infant in the belly.

A giggle immediately followed.

From the kid. Not the captain.

Across the way, Kurosaki rolled his eyes. "Feeling jealous, were we?" he questioned, thinking of his own brood as he teased Kenpachi.

"I think it's sweet," Kira commented from beside his husband, encouraging a beaming smile from the former substitute.

"What's his name?" Jyuushiro asked pleasantly, dark eyes almost covetous as they admired Kenpachi's newest addition.

Obviously, no work was going to be completed today.

Shunsui groaned, slapping his face with a palm as he caught sight of his best friend's reaction. "I'm too young to be an uncle," he complained. And then amended, "Again."

However, it was Zaraki's reaction that bothered Yamamoto the most.

He blinked, looking surprised. "Name?" he repeated. "Dammit, I knew I forgot something. I've just been calling him kid. Seems to like it good enough."

Jyuushiro was absolutely speechless as he stared at Zaraki. Kurosaki was snickering under his breath, shaking his head.

Zaraki merely shrugged, as if this was normal behavior. "Give me a few good days. I'll come up with somethin'."

Yamamoto was certain he was never going to see _everything_ from Zaraki. The man still continued to surprise him. And he had lived for two thousand years. Or died. However one wanted to look at it.

The unnamed baby burped and made a gurgle, which might have been a noise of contentment.

Noisily clearing his throat to restore order, the captain-commander swept his gaze over the group before pinning Zaraki. "In the future, Zaraki-taichou, please refrain from bringing your children to the captain's meeting."

The man grinned. "Ain't makin' no promises if I can't find a babysitter."

"I'm often free," Jyuushiro quickly volunteered. "I would be happy to help."

The realization suddenly struck Yamamoto out of absolutely nowhere with a startling reminder.

Zaraki Kenpachi was essentially a single father. Again.

How had he missed that?

It had to have been Ayasegawa. The fluttery fifth-seat threw off his perceptions.

But still... the most fearsome captain in the Gotei 13 was a single father.

Clearly, the world had ended.


	3. Biological Clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all Kenpachi's fault. He had to go and get a brat and get Jyuushiro's clock a-tickin'.

"I need a wife."

Now, Kyouraku Shunsui was normally a reasonable man. Being half-soused most of the time might have had something to do with it. There were very few things that threw him for a loop. Yet, this statement out of completely nowhere had somehow managed to utterly flabbergast him.

Amazing.

Shunsui blinked. "Jyuu-chan? I'm confused." He tilted his head to the side. "A wife?"

This came from Jyuushiro, who was eternally concerned about getting married and burdening some kind soul with his illness. He could only vaguely remember Jyuushiro dating a handful of people during the entire time they'd known each other, and those relationships had been short and largely unsatisfying. For both parties.

Honestly, Shunsui had always thought his best buddy was either very sexually repressed or had personal time every night. There was simply no other way he didn't explode from need. Therefore, this request baffled him.

"Yes, I need one," Jyuushiro confirmed, determination alit in his dark eyes.

In the back of his mind, Shunsui faintly heard this strange ticking sound, but he couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe his dear buddy had bought a new clock from the living world.

 _Tick-tock. Tick-tock_.

It was only slightly annoying. Shunsui ignored it.

He propped his chin on his hand. "Whatever for?"

Jyuushiro shot him one of those trademark looks that he had come to identify over the years of knowing him. "What do you think?"

Shunsui shrugged. "Just checking, Jyuu-chan."

"Shunsui, don't make this unnecessarily difficult." Jyuushiro sighed, beginning to drum his fingers on his desk. "I need a wife. And you're going to help me."

"In case you haven't noticed, Jyuu-chan. I have the wrong plumbing," he responded with a slow, sliding smirk.

It was always so fine to rile his best buddy, Jyuushiro could be so uptight sometimes. He hadn't yet learned the true value of a good bottle of sake. And a willing beauty.

Dark eyes rolled. "I said you're going to help me," Jyuushiro countered, sounding annoyed. "Not _be_ my wife."

Shunsui pushed his hat up with one finger. Somewhere, he heard that noise again.

_Tick-tock. Tickety-tick-tock._

"Okay... do you have a preference?"

He shook his head. "No. That's the problem. It'd be easier if I did. Then, we wouldn't be having this discussion."

For a moment, Shunsui had a rather absurd image in his mind, despite the fact that it was out of his buddy's character. He could clearly picture Jyuushiro striding up to some beautiful, wandering woman and state in his firm, no-nonsense voice, "You're going to marry me."

There would clearly be no choice in the manner for the poor girl.

Shaking his head to dispel _that_ disturbing thought, Shunsui regarded his friend. "You're going to have to tell me why, Jyuu-chan. Otherwise, I can't help you out."

Pursing his lips, Jyuushiro finally conceded to that much. "Fine. I need a wife because I want a baby."

He hadn't said he wanted to adopt. Or that he was tired of being alone. No, his Jyuu-chan wanted a brat, wanted a little kid running around calling him daddy. Shunsui knew he should have seen this one coming, especially considering the covetous looks he had caught his best friend giving Kenpachi's newest addition.

Before Shunsui could even respond, his Jyuu-chan was already continuing, his firmness melting into a starry-eyed hopefulness. "Can't you imagine it, Shun? A little boy or girl who looks just like me? Calling you oji-san?"

Then, he sighed.

It was the kind of sigh that Shunsui had heard women give him when they saw couples pass by with their own children. The kind of sigh that someone gave when they were window shopping and found something they couldn't afford. Filled with so much wistful longing and hope.

_Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tick-tock._

What the hell was that damn noise?

Shunsui realized that there was no talking his best friend out of this one. Well, since Jyuushiro was so determined, then the best he could do was be determined, too. He sat up straight, putting his full effort into thought.

Then, it hit him. The fact that he had already reminded himself of earlier.

"Do you even know _what_ to do?" he asked, thinking back to the whole sexual repression point.

Jyuushiro glared, not the least bit amused. " _Yes_ ," he responded testily.

He paused, not quite convinced. "Are you even cap--"

"You _do not_ want to finish that sentence," his best buddy said shortly and quite coldly, the scent of an oncoming storm filling the air.

Shunsui nodded. "Okayyyy."

Jyuushiro was definitely testy about that subject, best to leave it alone.

"So... a wife?"

"A wife," Jyuushiro confirmed.

Sitting back, Shunsui began to ponder. Women were his specialty, after all. Right after sake. And Jyuu-chan.

She would have to be a pretty high seat so that there wouldn't be too much difference in their power levels. Jyuu-chan wouldn't want to outlive his wife. He'd seen enough loss in his lifetime.

And of course, to be suitable for his Jyuu-chan, she would have to be lovely. And kind.

That pretty much threw out Soifon.

Retsu-chan was both, but there was the whole doctor-patient thing. He didn't imagine either of them would be very comfortable in a relationship.

Orihime-chan was a bit too... umm, yeah. Go for it, Renji-kun. Shunsui silently cheered the rather brave, young redhead on.

Yoru-chan didn't want kids. She had made that pretty clear. No babies for her.

_Tick-tock. Tickety-tock._

That damn ticking was getting distracting. Shunsui made a mental note to strangle the clock as soon as he found it.

Hinamori-chan was still in the nut house. She never did get over Aizen's betrayal and defeat, poor girl. And she was so lovely. Except for the whole insane bit, she would have been perfect for his Jyuu-chan.

Matsu-chan... Shunsui didn't want to lose his drinking buddy. He was allowed to be a bit selfish. Besides, to be perfectly honest, she was too slutty for his cute and innocent Jyuu-chan.

Nemu-chan, while very pretty, was a Kurotsuchi. The last thing Soul Society needed was more Kurotsuchi genes being spread around. A definite no.

Isane-chan was married to Shuu-kun. And for such a nice guy, he was awful selfish concerning his wife. He never wanted to share.

Yachiru-chan was far too young, and Shunsui was very disturbed that her name had even crossed his mind. Perhaps he was getting sober. He would have to rectify that.

Rukia-chan would have been perfect, but that would be over her brother's dead body. Which could be arranged, but then, they would be short a captain. Shunsui didn't think Yama-jii would approve.

And while Ichigo-kun would have been a perfect match for his Jyuu-chan, there remained the small fact that he was a man. And well, was married to Izuru-kun.

_Tick-tock. Tick-tick-tock._

All that remained was his cute Nanao-chan.

Who liked books. And worked hard. And berated him when he did wrong with a gentle rap upside the head. She was cute, and she was smart. And she scrunched up her nose when she drank tea that she really liked. And he loved how she would push up her glasses with a finger and give him that look. The same look that Jyuushiro liked to give him.

The realization hit him like an Espada attack, addling his brains.

Nanao _was_ Jyuu-chan. Jyuushiro _was_ Nanao-chan. They were the same damn person.

How had he not realized it before?

They were _perfect_ for each other in every way. And they would make such pretty babies.

But Nanao-chan was _his_ Nanao-chan.

Awwww. He would hate to lose his cute Nanao-chan. But Shunsui supposed for his best buddy, he could take one for the team. What were friends for, after all? And it wasn't like he couldn't get another woman. Plus, he knew he could count on his lovely lieutenant to take care of his most important person.

"Shunsui?"

He snapped out of his thoughts, realizing that Jyuushiro was giving him a concerned look. He had been considering for quite a while.

Shunsui sat up straighter. "So... what do you think of Nanao-chan?"

Jyuushiro absorbed his suggestion, pondering it for a moment. Then, he smiled.

 _Deviously_.

_Tick-_ _**tock** _ _._


	4. Taming of the Shrew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all Shunsui's fault.

Ise Nanao was confused.

She had been receiving gifts. Which wasn't entirely unusual because her captain often loaded her down with extravagant and unnecessary items. Those usually found their way to the nearest trash or a special huge chest that she had been throwing them into.

But these gifts were different. Special. Actually rather intuitive.

She found them on her desk every morning when she came into work, long before a time when her captain would have been awake and sober. Always elegantly wrapped, with a pretty little bow that was crooked on the left side. Always.

The first one had been her favorite tea, a whole box of it. Which was actually rather expensive and thus usually a rare indulgence. Very few people knew she drank this particular tea, and so, Nanao was baffled.

A week later, books started appearing on her desk, all wrapped in pretty bows tilted to the left side. They were from the library, obviously borrowed on her behalf, and all subjects that she found interesting but hadn't been able to get a hold of. When she looked on the inside cover, she found that they had been borrowed "indefinitely." She could take her time to study rather than rush to return them.

The following week was a smaller, white box, dark blue ribbon wrapped around and crooked to the left side. It chimed softly when she picked it up, and upon opening, Nanao discovered hair pins. Very pretty ones that shimmered gently in the light. Even now she wore one of them, unable to stop admiring their beauty in the mirror.

Every week brought a new gift, always the same in its wrapping. And always anonymous. Why, once she even discovered her paperwork for the coming week entirely finished. Even the work by her stubborn lower-seats, who often proved to be so difficult. And she actually found time to herself, which was probably the greatest gift of all.

Ise Nanao had an admirer. Or at least, that was what Matsumoto had claimed when Nanao spoke to her about the gifts.

More than that, she had a secret admirer, since the giver had yet to identify his or herself. After all, Matsumoto had warned her not to completely rule out another woman. While Nanao herself was not inclined towards affections with women, she supposed her friend had a point. And for someone this generous and persistent, Nanao secretly admitted that she might be willing to try.

Of course, telling Matsumoto inevitably meant that the rest of Seireitei would also find out.

The Shinigami Woman's Association thought it cute, encouraging her to discover the identity, congratulating her on capturing some poor sap's heart.

Nanao tried to act annoyed, but inwardly, she really was flattered. The gifts were intuitive and well thought out, definitely better than her captain's blatant and often wrong attempts at winning her favor. She was of the mind that if Shunsui really wanted to impress her, he could learn to do his paperwork on time and realize that her name in no way, shape, or form required the use of _chan_.

Still, Nanao wasn't as annoyed by the association's good-natured congratulations as she was by her captain's not so subtle insinuations. He kept making mentions of getting married and having children and creating a family and all that jazz. She simply struck him with her book and frostily ignored him, never admitting aloud that the thought was actually kind of appealing.

So long as that whole plan did not include her captain.

Or Kurotsuchi Mayuri. There were some lines that Nanao would not cross. That was one of them.

Then, Ise Nanao discovered the truth.

She came in earlier than usual one day, having woken to bright sunshine and feeling generally more chipper than normal. Rolling out of bed in a relatively good mood, she decided there was no harm in heading in early.

That was when she caught him, stealthily sneaking into her office and laying something on her desk. On second glance, it turned out to be her favorite flower. And there was a ribbon around the elegant pot, artfully knotted with a bow that was crooked to the left.

"You!" Nanao stated very intelligibly, nearly dropping her book. "It's been you!"

Ukitake Jyuushiro turned with a sheepish expression and a kind smile on his face. "Ah, you caught me," he said, patting down his robes.

Nanao blinked, adjusting her glasses. "You... why?"

"Did you not like the gifts?" he asked instead. Still smiling. One hand nudging the flower into a better position on her desk.

She was flabbergasted. "That's not..." Nanao paused, sucked in a breath, reached for something more appropriate to say. "I mean, thank you."

"You're welcome!" he beamed, making him look several years younger; he really was an attractive man. "Though I admit they weren't entirely altruistic."

"I see." Nanao adjusted her glasses again.

She still couldn't wrap her mind around it. Ukitake-taichou had been bringing her the gifts? He was her secret admirer? She should have known, judging from the style of the presents and the shrewdness.

Ukitake-taichou cleared his throat. "The pin. It looks lovely on you. I thought it would."

To her surprise, a faint blush colored her cheeks. "Thank you," Nanao managed without stuttering, one hand rising to briefly touch the sparkling metal. Where was her calm? "You have great taste."

"Thank you."

There was a moment of silence where he stepped closer. Why hadn't she realized how tall he was before? And handsome. Perhaps his friendship with Shunsui had always made her so oblivious because really, he had the prettiest eyes. And hair.

"You wouldn't, perhaps, be interested in having dinner with me?" Ukitake-taichou inquired softly.

Nanao blinked. It took a moment to register that she had spoken to her. She was too busy admiring him.

Her cheeks burned. "I..."

"Tonight," Ukitake-taichou added with that dazzling smile, which was just as all encompassing. "I'll pick you up?"

Somehow, she managed to make her head nod. He smelled very good, like the ground after a fresh rainfall and the heaviness of the air before a spring storm.

Had she been living in a box? How had she not noticed any of this before? Was Shunsui so much of a distraction that her brain had rotted and dribbled from her ears? It must have for her to have missed _this_. Missed him.

He smiled again. "Great. I'm happy to hear it. See you tonight." Ukitake-taichou inclined his head in a sort of bow and walked past her, heading to the door. Only to pause and turn back.

"One more thing?"

She turned to him, clutching her book to her chest as if it were a lifeline.

"What do you think about children?"

Nanao blinked. "Someday?"

His eyes sparkled. "Great! See you tonight! And it's Jyuushiro, by the way."

Then, he was gone. And she could breathe again, her eyes locked on the plant he had brought for her. Elegant petals. Her very favorite.

Ise Nanao had a date.

A date with Ukitake Jyuushiro.


End file.
